Romantic evolution

When you are younger, and have little experience with relationships, you think you'll find an ideal partner some day - someone who thinks like you but complements your weaknesses, someone who is intellectually compatible as well as physically attractive to you (who cares for conventional beauty? or what other people think?).

Then you get knocked about a couple of times, realize that the ideal is hard to attain in practice, get bitter (or some would call it 'realistic'), decide that men and women can never understand or get along with each other very well, and conclude that : all it takes for a relationship to tick is sexual chemistry, and a basic ability to tolerate each other.  You congratulate yourself on your newly acquired practicality.

Also you want to have control over yourself and the relationship.  For relationships come with power gradients.  Typically one partner is more in love or has a more easygoing personality and that makes them susceptible to being the weaker one.  You don't want that. You decide you want to be in love, but you want the other to be in love slightly more.  You don't want to be the one who's rejected/dumped. Too much sentiment can get in the way of your peace of mind. Yet you want to be a touch sentimental, for there is no experiencing love without an iota of sentiment.

You realize there are practical constraints. It doesn't really work well at long distances.  It takes a lot of work to make it work when society and family do not approve.  It doesn't work out if you have different living habits.  Economic hardships, lack of jobs and housing, all conspire to come in the way. So yes - sex and cultivated tolerance with someone who fulfills the practical constraints, are the ways out.  It's the sex instinct that makes you want a romantic relationship after all. Though in your younger days you thought there was more to it.

Yet just when you think you know it all, and are sure that you will never choose badly again, you meet someone who you think is attractive and intellectually compatible - with whom you can talk hours on the topics that seem to matter so much to you - someone you think is good,  responsible and admirable, - and you decide you may let your guard down , and feel like falling in love all over again.  The vicious cycle repeats itself. You are a weak, confused, angsty human being after all.