Statement of Research

As I begin the process of applying to postdoctoral positions (I hope to finish my PhD studies in a few months) I am saddled with the onerous task of writing a "statement of research" , where I have to beat my own drums and make the work I have done so far sound ubercool (honestly I am a little bored with it...exciting as it is, how much do you expect a candymaker to like his candy?).  Not only that, but I also have to write my oh-so-exciting plans for future research directions (an exceptionally difficult task for an avowed pessimist like me).  And I am not even very sure about what I want to do after this.

I am feeling very tempted right now to insert the following paragraph in my statement,

" Look here, I do not feel obliged in any way to disclose my extremely ambitious and all-encompassing intellectual goals to your group or department. As it is, the present academic establishment is too narrow and fractious to accommodate my very broad intellectual interests, ranging from meditations on the condition of humanity to sex selection in tadpoles. I expect none of you to fully appreciate my worth or utilize the tremendously wide scope of my interests.  Just give me some sort of salary to survive for a few years, and I promise I will give you a fraction of my attention and write two papers for you every year.  Just let me be and pursue my own interests for the rest of the time! Ok, deal?"

Now back to writing my official statement and being hypocritical before I actually insert this there!