How is "Western" parenting superior to "Chinese" parenting?

A recent article titled "Why Chinese mothers are superior"  has provoked intense controversy, and of course to go along with that, an endless stream of discussion and debate on a host of aspects : parenting models, racial stereotypes, the meaning of "success", child psychology, differences in Eastern and Western culture, creativity vs efficiency, and the immigrant experience.  While I agree with most that Chua's article is too extreme and probably even cynically calculated to gain publicity for her forthcoming book, I am even more taken aback by the kind of furious backlash this has generated from certain quarters  (for example, this popular blog by another academic goes to the extent of comparing her actions with "child rape" and "genital mutilation" and labels her a criminal abuser in no uncertain terms) and the kind of questions that have been ignored.  I even see a kind of self-mocking humor in Chua's article when she very bluntly discusses the various forms of punishment she would inflict on her daughters when they did not perform well on the piano - an awareness of the Asian American stereotype, and playing  it up as a means of undermining it. Of course there is no means to verify if Chua intended it as such, and even if she did it's probably been a failure as many intelligent readers have not seen this point.

I agree with every other rational commentator that there is no single perfect parenting style. It is conditioned by the ambient culture and depends on the individuals concerned. Let us first be clear with the scope of Chua's article, which I think she has defined well enough. Two points are especially worth emphasizing here :

a) By "Chinese parenting", she means a certain style of strict parenting, whose details might vary with individual cases, where the child is pushed to perform in several areas, chosen by the parents for the child, through a combination of the carrot and the rod. This is nothing unique to the Chinese community, but is named after them because it's a common enough stereotype associated with them.

b) Chu is certainly not stereotyping a whole billion and a half people here.  The examples in her article make it abundantly clear that the context is very American, or Western, and has to do with a certain kind of immigrant communities (white collar educated professionals) living in the West. 

I hope the above two observations will help dissuade people from seeing a racist angle to this. Admittedly the title is ill-chosen but is too blunt to be taken seriously any way. It fits right in with the whole "create controversy to sell book" scenario.  

Certain aspects of this "Chinese" parenting style are justifiably condemnable. It does inflict a degree of emotional angst on the child, curbs her natural interests, gives him a false notion of "success", deprives her of meaningful relationships with other children, affects his social skills and leadership abilities, and so on.  The child psychologists have made their point.  Yet it is surprising that the whole discussion has centered around the demerits of the "Chinese" style while  the "Western" style escapes any scrutiny.  I for one see problems aplenty with the "laisseze faire" style of parenting where the child can not be reprimanded for being a bully or lazy, and in fact has to be praised for mediocre school performance, for fear of hurting his self esteem.  Americans after a certain generation, particularly those that identify with the liberal intelligentsia, have taken the ideas of "political correctness" and "self esteem" to ludicrous levels. As a teacher I can not tell a student that she has her math wrong for fear of injuring her self esteem. I am supposed to lie, prevaricate and beat around the bush to appreciate all the effort she has put into it, and tell her that she was almost right but not quite there even when she was totally wrong.  The result is perhaps bold, brash and confident people who have no fear of making mistakes - but the result, quite frankly speaking, is mainly unmitigated stupidity and arrogance.  Quite so often, I will have a student asking for extra time to answer test questions, armed with a doctor's certificate testifying that he has some sort of "learning disability". This is a broad umbrella term engineered to cover a lot of lazy asses. I can understand people with poor vision or hearing complain of a physical disability - but I cannot, for the life of me, empathize with people who allegedly have "short attention spans" and are unwilling to work on something easily "curable" with very average doses of hard work, determination and concentration.  The level of problems they work on was middle or at best high school in India or China anyway.  Yet it was not always like this in America. Science and maths were "glamorous" subjects during the Cold War when rockets and weapons had the public imagination in thrall.  Higher standards were expected of people intending to be doctors or engineers. I have heard plenty of American educators complain of the drastic erosion of standards in high school education.  I suspect the "self esteem" revolution has had a lot to do with this decline in academic standards.  This is not something very traditionally Western either, as many highly educated Europeans I have talked to have expressed their disapproval with this very recent and very American style of pampering.  The irony of a ruthless capitalistic society where the hardest competitor is expected to take all,  and a very protectionist education system, is something worth pondering on.

The reason I dwelled so much on the class room scenario is because I have a lot of direct experience with it. But the "self esteem" monster has spread its tentacles everywhere.  Calling someone "fat" or "overweight" is tantamount to "extreme emotional abuse" in self esteem conscious America (and thanks to fast food and careless parenting, a large fraction of this country's population is indeed obese). While people might use the "f-word" to demean someone, parents or well-wishers would want to point out that someone is getting out of shape so that they take notice and do something about it before it assumes unhealthy proportions.  Quite so often, shame happens to be a powerful motivator. The other reason why "political correctness" has so much value in America is that it is in reality, a very ruthlessly competitive society. In India, "fat"ness has an association of a generally pleasant person who just loves his food. As such fatness is mildly indulged with only some friendly ribbing to go along with it. The West is more obsessed with looks and fitness and physique (which is not such a bad thing) and being "fat" here carries with it an assumption of laziness. The Western sense of aesthetics with super fit muscular male and size zero female models, means "fat" is widely considered to be sexually unpalatable.  I have noticed overweight women often declare themselves "curvy" on dating websites.  Being called "fat" is abuse because being fat puts more at stake here.  People know they are at a disadvantage and just wouldn't like to be reminded of it. Because reality is so ruthless here, pleasantries are needed to superficially shield people from it.  There is no reason your parents should do the same. They want the best for you, and it is their job to ensure that you are adequately toughened to face the big bad world on your own when the time comes.

Other than the preoccupation with "self esteem", "laissez faire" parenting often happens because the parents are lazy or irresponsible or both. To keep up a continuous pressure to perform on the kid, at least one parent needs to invest significant amount of time and energy on the kid. Reading Chua's piece you know how tough it is for the parent too. You have to sit with your child's homework or piano pracitce till she gets it perfect.  Many "Western"  parents would rather party and have a good time with their friends rather than spare this quality education time with their child.  They are happy leaving the child to his own devices, assuming that every little American understands individual freedom and democracy perfectly well to develop and look after himself perfectly well, and pretending that this is the liberal thing to do.  Rather than risk unpopularity with the children by scolding them, they would like to give him a cash prize for a B grade and run away.

Yet as I learned from reading all these discussions in web fora, every "Western" parent who is tolerant of  B grades, is not so tolerant on the sports field.  There are a whole lot of "soccer moms" out there who push their kids very very hard to do well at football or baseball.  There are plenty of broken bones and bruises from parents pushing their kids too hard at sports. Another "Western" parent very honestly points out that the goal of a "Western" parent is often times to ensure that their child is popular with his peers. Hence they allow playdates and sleepovers, buy them good dresses for the prom nights, and encourage their sports or their cheerleading.  These examples showed me that with a whole lot of parents, the attitudes are just the same, and only the areas of emphasis different. While it's school grades or music lessons for one, it's sports or social popularity with the other.

I agree that a "spoon-fed" child develops poor leadership and creative skills. And every American child is born to be a leader or an entrepreneur. For a society to function properly, you actually need a whole host of skilled workers - doctors and engineers who are capable of performing skilled but routine tasks very efficiently.  With the current American model, they might face a crisis of able professionals and will then have to rely even more on immigration to supply these needs.  One cannot blame immigrants for pushing their kids hard. They are aware that their acceptance in the host society is contingent on their high abilities. This feeling propelled Jewish communities to strive for professional success throughout most of their history where they'd typically be a minority community in a Christian or Muslim country. This is why scholarship comes to be a widely respected, if not revered, trait in such communities. Similarly parents in India or China cannot be blamed for being more pushy or protective, as opportunities there are far more limited, and the competition for jobs and resources more intense. These factors are often missed by Western liberals who fail to empathize with the realities in third world or immigrant communities.

A parent's job is to help the child identify his talents early on. Ultimately every good parent wants the child to be happy. Happiness is often contingent on material well being.  Given this scenario, I believe the "Chinese" style is more effective up to a certain age, since young children will usually always dislike tasks that require concentration. After the child is confident, able to distinguish good from bad, and understands how to make good choices, she will work on her own and parental pushiness would be counterproductive. This is where "Western" parents could be a better choice.  Personally I believe I was raised in this "combination" style. My mother pushed me to do certain things when I was younger, none of which worked out completely. The "Chinese" model failed in my case, but still the hours she spent reading to me developed in me a love of books, and at least helped me secure admission to a good school which is very important in India. After a certain age I began to do well academically, which is why further pushing was unnecessary. They also pushed me to be more social and outgoing, but that did not work out very well. So my parents were careful in their quest for a balance, and my being an essentially well behaved and studious kid probably helped their case. In my teens, they treated me as a mature and responsible individual, and trusted me, which also propelled me to act extra responsible. Again during a protracted period of depression related to academic reasons when I was in college, my father was very supportive. This was a successful strategy, and I have developed very close and loving bonds with both of my parents which are possibly going to last an entire lifetime, which I am sure a completely "Western" style would not have guaranteed.