Travel Brochure for Zymurgistan

Oh ye noble soul that seeketh after adventure, 
Rest here thy tired body, drink of our well,
sleep on our fluffiest bed,  take our fattest lamb.
We shall honor thee; our men shall enfold ye
in brotherly embrace; our women shall bake
thee wondrous cookies. (But touch any of them,
and we torture thee on a slow fire, pull yer nails,
sodomize and slaughter thee and drink from yer skull.)

 -  Rhübab Skållgørd, national poet of Zymurgistan.

These epigraphic lines capture dramatically the spirit of the enchanting land of Zymurgistan,  and offer compelling argument as to why it must feature in the itinerary of any serious tourist.  Here you can hike to the majestic heights of active volcanos, snorkel with crocodiles in the murky waters of refreshing streams, experience the sylvan charms of  picturesque peasant hamlets, and be spoilt on the hospitality of a warm and tradition-bound people. This little-known treasure of a country is still largely unspoilt from outside contact and has a whole range of exciting tourism opportunities to offer.  The hardboiled adventurer could try her luck at

biking through hazardous molten lava (every time there is an eruption, hardcore mountain bikers and volcano enthusiasts gather here to hike and bike, this being the only country that permits activity of such nature) or participating in local wrestling matches (where the loser risks castration unless he is able to say a funny joke that'd make the chief laugh).  We have everything that the more sedentary traveler,who would just like to relax and be left alone in peace, could want, too.  Mosquito-infested mangrove swamps, sleazy massage parlors manned by children, fine dining to the accompaniment of loud folk music - name it and Zymurgistan has it. We got the things for amorously inclined couples too : a burgeoning trade in animal products renowned for their aphrodisiacal properties, extremely small and dark hotel rooms with frequent power cuts, and the like. The more spiritually or aesthetically minded traveler will find the simple and happy lifestyle of our peasants delightful, and get to see a lot of primitive culture and happiness-despite-material-want subtexts that they so crave to see.

Country profile :

Zymurgistan is a small landlocked country straddling the steppes where European civilization collapses into the arms of Central Asian adventurism.  It is surrounded by similarly obscure countries on all sides. The country could be geographically divided into two major regions : the Central Uplands where the more colorful hill people live, and the surrounding Lowlands which are mostly overgrazed grassland.  Winters are long and harsh, and summers brief and also frosty except near the very active volcanoes and hot springs, for obvious reasons. The Kara Darya is the only major river in the country, so named because of the black volcanic soil it carries.  Recently however geologists have determined that the color is in part due to be the effluents discharged into it upstream in Zymurgistan's more industrially developed neighbor. Key natural resources include oil and natural gas, geothermal energy and timber. The main economic activities are cattle-rearing and logging, and sometimes hunting of rare wild animals for use in traditional medicine. Historically, Zymurgistan has been at the crossroads of cultures and major civilizations for centuries. It has repeatedly been ravaged by foreign invasions, threatened by nomadic people on the move, most of whom have settled down here and formed the bulk of the curremt population. Society still remains very tribal.  In the twentieth century Zymurgistan came to be colonized by a European power and there began a great Socialist experiment in the steppes and highlands alike, where people of different tribes were forced to join forces and form collective farms which usually became inefficient and non-performing. Successive popular rebellions against colonial rule meant that Zymurgistan was able to secure independence in the 1960s. Its birth was followed by a series of military coups when power went back and forth between two tribal warlords.  Currently the country follows a free market model, where the parameters of freedom are decided by its dictator and his foreign benefactors

People and culture

It has a population of only about five million, almost 70% of which lives in the countryside and engages in traditional activities like cattle rearing and agriculture, with a small minority into exotic professions like shamanism or ritual banditry. The major urban center is the capital Kharashostadt (хорошoстадт)  where the country's oil selling billionaires are mostly based. A survey shows that most of the powerful men belong to the majority Kibbutz tribe that practises Mandeanism as opposed to the mixture of Animism and Bahai faiths that the numerous other smaller tribes subscribe to. There have been allegations of human rights abuse and oppression of minority cultures levelled  against the Zymurgistani government, which the current President Ruslan Kubychev (Pуслан Kубицев) has stoutly denied with : "In my 30 years of rule, I have experimented with a variety of political and economic systems best suited to the needs of my people, and they have always responded well to the challenges. If sometimes I have had to pacify a tribe here or torce march another through the steppes, it has been like a father punishing his children for their own good.  Our democratic culture is very old."  The gender ratio continues to remain a dismal 40 females to every 60 males although the traditional practice of female foeticide has been discontinued after intense government persuasion. This is because many women go abroad to work as prostitutes for lack of good economic opportunities at home.  Their remittance is one of the major sources of foreign revenue for this small state.

Most men consider it unbecoming and against the ideals of Zymurgi manhood to leave the animals and wild countryside that they so dearly love to seek employment in other countries.  The paucity of women has meant a sharp rise in incidences of forced marriages by "bride abduction" in recent times.  Zymurgi literature is particularly rich in folk traditions, especially sad songs sung by raped women. Modern poets include Zohar Altimov who wrote socialist poems about infants being denied mother's milk by feudal tyrants.  Roshana Baig is the country's most widely read novelist who is currently in exile in Europe to evade arrest under fabricated charges of plagiarizing from the President Mr. Kubychev (who apparently dabbles in literature and chess in his spare time). The most popular national pastimes include the game of Tipcat (which was the only allowed form of entertainment in Socialist times), mud wrestling and fighting duels over women, which are traditonal practices that have been revived by modern nationalists.

Sights
Mt.Ongongoro is the country's most recurrent symbol. A beautiful snow capped volcano which has reverentially been venerated by generations as a potent phallic symbol and has been celebrated in Zymurgi art, especially in the traditional art of embroidery which for years has been the only viable pastime available to women.  The volcano and some of the resorts which have cropped up around lakes surrouding it are major tourist attractions. Here you can engage in idyllic pursuits : ride yaks,  shoot bears, and eat homemade cheese. Climbing the volcano is an option though tourists sometimes prefer the more active Mt.Voli at the other end of the country, a possible reason for this could be that tourists are required to pay ritual obseiance to a smallscale replica of the volcano before climbing it by kissing it.  Some opposition leaders and human rights activists have charged that the mini volcano is in fact a replica of the serving President's genitalia, who has had it slipped in there to boost his megalomania. His loyal subjects are also happy to believe this.
Rafting and mud massaging at the Kara Darya are other interesting things to try out. The latter consists in rolling in mud all day long so that the black volcanic  mineral-rich soil can do wonders to your system. This kind of activity is considered to be beneficial to growth - so a lot of Zymurgi mothers bring their kids here
and force them to lie and play in the mud even if they catch a cold.  The capital city itself has some attractions, like the Museum of Presidential Art which has nothing but paintings drawn by the President himself (he is said to have put in his signature over the masters') , the Presidential Palace which has been designed after the chessboard in Through the Looking Glass by the president's architect daughter, and the Castle of Konetki whose torture chambers and dungeons are major crowd-pullers, including special sections which can be reserved by billionares for depraved roleplaying games.


How to get there and around

 The Zymurgi National Airlines used to operate two flights a week to the capital from major capitals in Eastern Europe, but their frequency has been greatly reduced since the drone of aircraft disturbs the sleep of the President's daughter.  It can also be reached overland by bus in most of spring and summer. Within the country, the most efficient form of transport is by road. The bus system is excellent when the roads are motorable. For part of the year, they can be inaccessible because of excessive snowfall or rainfall and then mules might be the best idea. This inaccessibility is of course part of the reason why the country has been spared the crowds of superficial tourists, and offers so much virginal charm for the more adventurous traveler.

 Dangers and annoyances
The people are usually warm and welcoming, and crime against foreigners unlikely if you follow some simple rules.  Some highways that pass through regions inhabited by tribes who believe in ritual banditry are dangerous.  Many adventurous Western tourists and scholars who have traveled in these parts have experienced robbery and most have gone on to write books that have sold well based on the experience. Some places could be dangerous for women tourists who risk abduction.  There have been isolated reports of some western women who were in love with the romantic ideal of kidnapping, and have come here to be kidnapped. Some of them have also written bestsellers. People with alternative sexual preferences are likely to have a hard time in Zymurgistan, since the society disapproves of same sex unions unless indulged in by powerful men like the President. People who fancy horses might be at an advantage as Zymurgi people traditionally value and bond a lot with their horses, so any demonstrative signs of affection for horses is not usually misconstrued.


So please choose Zymurgistan for your honeymoons, romantic escapades, school trips, and the like. Any tour through this blessed land is likely to turn into a spiritual voyage of self-discovery, a wonderful experience that is guaranteed to be with you for the rest of your life like the scar from a rabid love bite.